The end of a relationship

A friend of mine just asked me, "what does the end of a relationship feel like?"

It's his first relationship and he's having problems and thinking of ending it. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't that big of a deal, that he'd get over it in no time, that his life would just continue on as usual, but I couldn't. It's just simply not true.

As anyone who's experienced a breakup will tell you, it's never pretty. Even breakups that end on the friendliest of terms can evolve into gut wrenching drama over years as the little hidden things behind the relationship begin to fester and decay into bitterness. It's a part of life and rare is the breakup that doesn't involve such things.

Does that mean that you shouldn't break up? No, of course not. Sometimes, a situation is so bad that it can't be fixed or remedied. It's unfortunate, but it happens. However, there are things that you can do to make a breakup more bearable.

As the Initiator of a Break Up

As the initiator of a break up, you have almost complete control of the situation. The person that you're in a relationship with may realize that it is coming, but there will always be some level of surprise since they don't know when it is coming. This being said, take the feelings of your partner into consideration when breaking up with them.

First of all, take some time to yourself to think things over. Think about the relationship, what it has meant, and what is problematic about it. Be honest with yourself. That is often the hardest thing to do. If you feel that the problems in the relationship stem from the other person, think about why you feel that way. Think about what went wrong and what could have gone better. Did you tell them how you felt when you first noticed problems? Did you try and compromise and resolve the problems? It may be too late to remedy the problems now, but that doesn't mean you can't learn from the mistakes of the past.

When thinking about the relationship, try not to blame the other person for the mistakes made. I'm not saying that you should blame yourself, but you should be able to admit that you have both made mistakes and it is those mistakes that need to be condemned, not the people making them.

Once you have yourself straight in your thoughts, sit down with your partner in person (not through AIM, email, or through a Facebook status message) and tell them honestly how you feel. Once you have done that, listen to them and how they feel honestly. Most likely, you will learn lots of things that you didn't know about them. Whatever you do, don't scoff or discredit their feelings. All emotions are valid, even if they are illogical or unreasonable.

At this point, if things have gone well, it is the temptation for many couples to desperately promise to fix things and make them better instead of breaking up. Don't do this. Before you consider getting back together, think about the things that led you to this decision in the first place and try to determine if they are reasonable to try and change. If it involves changing yourself or your partner, it's probably not possible. If it involves better communication, it probably is. Either way, seriously consider your options.

Once you have considered your options and made your decision, stand strong and don't go back on it. There are a lot of things that your partner might try to do to keep you from guilt tripping you to threatening you. If they try that, get away from them. Just keep your distance for a while and let the emotions settle.

What you do after this point is really up to how your relationship stands. My suggestion though, keep it friendship or less. Don't be lulled into continuing to show or receive affection of any sort, especially physical. Trust me, that doesn't lead to good things.

As the receiver of a break up

There's not much that you can do when being broken up with. Your partner has control of the situation. What I suggest is this:

Accept the situation. There is really nothing that you can do to change the situation right now, so accept it. Try and figure out exactly why it is happening and see if there is something you did not notice about the relationship before that is causing problems. Understand that you might actually be better off without this relationship right now.

Take some time for yourself. Go take some time for yourself to cope with the change in your life. remind yourself that there are things you enjoy doing that don't involve your partner and that you are a whole person by yourself. Do something special for yourself to remind yourself that you are a valuable human being and that this break up is no fault of you as a person.

Be honest. Whatever you do, the best thing is to be completely honest with yourself and your partner. Feel free to express your emotions and why you feel that way. Don't let your emotions build up and grow out of proportion.

I wish I had more that I could say on the subject of break ups, but the simple truth is that they are messy, like it or not. I've had my fair share and not a single one has been painless.